Ponderings…

Today, my siblings and I, buried our mother. After being diagnosed with salivary gland cancer a year ago, the chemo, radiation, she finally succumbed to the burden of her disease last 13th. She peacefully passed in her slumber surrounded by those who care for her.

Now, as I sit alone in my personal residence, I feel unburdened yet at the same time, I feel something missing. A void has been created where once she existed. I didn’t quite notice it before now. Maybe the complacency of it numbed me to its existence. But now, I find that void to be quite obvious. I can’t help but stare at it…feel its edges…and weep for what I…no, we… have lost. As I’m sure my brother and sisters feel the same.

I find myself reminiscing of the past…from when consciousness first sparked in me, she was there. As I grew up, she was there. When I first studied she was there. In all my achievements, mistakes, ups, and downs, she was there. She was always there ready to praise, smile, pat my head. And now, suddenly, I find she is not. Suddenly, I think of tomorrow, my future achievements, she won’t be there. If I commit mistakes, she will not be there to comfort me. If I find myself in trouble, she won’t be there to rely on. I find…only myself.

Is this what true adulthood is? One that comes only at the cost of loss? If so, I yearn to go back to when I was a child. Just waiting for her to pat my head and looking at her smile at me as before.