Forgive me for the sappy post here but I just had to unload. My posts have dropped-off noticeably during the past few months due to a life-changing event in my life. And so, this has caused a huge weight to be put on my shoulders.
A few months ago, my mother was diagnosed with a rare salivary gland cancer. At the time, I went into denial…maybe it was a mistake…maybe…so many maybes…but the follow-up tests were conclusive…and it had spread. Stage 4. It has metastasized. The moment I read the results, even before we visited the doctor to have it interpreted, I knew. And my world slowly started to collapse around me.
Now understand, my father has passed on quite a few years back already. So, I thought then that, if ever, I’d handle it the same way. Not quite…I was devastated. Scenes of my life unfolded in my brain…scenes where my mother was there…giving me a bath, serving me food, cooking, etc. In almost all my past achievements she was there…and suddenly, imagining a world without her…it broke me. Me who I considered a fairly stoic man…strong…unyielding… and yet, with just that news alone, I broke down. I railed at the heavens as to why…I cycled through all the stages of grief in my every waking moment. And yet it changed nothing…
She underwent chemo in the vain hope that the cancer would, at the very least, be controlled. I saw her try to be strong but I also saw the fear in her eyes. I tried to be strong as well. Outwardly, even as my entire being was being shattered with every news of her struggles. I was the first-born afterall. It was my duty to be strong. For her, and my brother, and sisters. At least, outwardly.
Eventually, she said she couldn’t take the chemo anymore. And the results were not very positive as well…so she stopped. Yet her strength hasn’t returned…she’s old so her body might not be able to recover back to her pre-chemo state. Every time I see her, I can’t help but see her getting a bit weaker. And I fear for the time that she won’t get up at all. And it breaks me everytime I think of that…getting closer.
In the end, time comes for us all. And I suddenly know now that I should cherish every moment she’s with us…every day I see her message in our group chats…every time she messages…while at the same time, dreading of the time when those messages stop.
I pray…I pray…but I don’t know what to pray for. Do I pray for a miracle? a cure? Do I pray for her pain to go away? Do I pray for her to be taken already so she doesn’t have to suffer? What is right and wrong to pray for? Am I being selfish or selfless? Conflict and discord surrounds my once harmonious thoughts. Could I have changed anything if I have been more aggressive with my investments? Until now, I don’t know…and that’s the only thing I AM sure of…I don’t know………….
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